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Services
Friends may visit with the family from 2-4 and 6-8 PM on Wednesday, November 9, 2016 at the Vander May Wayne Colonial Funeral Home, 567 Ratzer Road, Wayne.
A Funeral Service will be held 10 AM on Thursday, November 10, 2016 at the funeral home.
Interment will be in George Washington Memorial Park, Paramus.
Demarest “Demmy” “Van” Van Blarcom, III, age 76, of Pompton Lakes passed peacefully at home while holding his wife Joy’s hand on Sunday, November 6, 2016.
He was born in Orangetown, NY and raised in Palisades, NY having attended Nyack High School and graduated from the Tappan Zee High School with the Class of 1958. Demmy was an excellent baseball player in high school and held the longest home run record for the field at Nyack High School for years.
Just out of high school Van worked for Orange & Rockland Utilities as a Utility Clerk in their West Nyack office. A year later, he enlisted in the United States Army and was part of the 39th Artillery. At that time, he requested to serve in Germany as a mechanic and was granted both desires. For the next two and a half years, he served in Germany. He was renowned for being able to listen to trucks pass by (even in convoy) and determining what repairs the truck needed by the sound. As a result, he was promoted to sergeant after only one year of service; he also earned a sharpshooter award and mechanic’s badge. In 1963, he returned to work at Orange & Rockland Utilities. The next ten years he spent reading meters, later working as a collector out of the Monroe office and subsequently in the Blooming Grove office as a meter tester. Demarest worked for Orange & Rockland/Con Edison for fifty-five years before retiring in 2013. His picture hangs in the Con Edison Corporate offices in Manhattan. Additionally, he was a member of IBEW 503 and the ORRA.
Demmy knew how to do almost everything, generally teaching himself how to do it. He worked on fixing anything and everything he could whether around the house or on cars. In his younger years, Demmy enjoyed building and racing stock cars. He was an excellent mechanic, who not only handled his own stock cars but was sought out to by other teams to build their engines because of his skill. During that time, he was a certified NASCAR and NHRA mechanic as well as driver. He started driving stock cars in races on oval tracks and later straight track races were his forte. By the time he met Joy, he was racing exclusively on straight tracks and they spent many a weekend at the races.
Demarest met Joy Doran through mutual friends Bob and Sue Schaeffer, when they were in their wedding party. For a long time, they thought Joy and Demmy would be a good match in spite of the fact that they were both dating others. Ultimately, the other relationships dissolved, Bob and Sue sat them together at their wedding reception, and the rest was history. After a proposal that went something like this while driving around after a race, “oh I think the engine is gone in the car (in actuality that was not true)…so do you want to get married?” they married on June 6, 1965 at the Bethlehem Lutheran Church in Ridgewood, NJ.
Ever the one to tinker with an engine, Demarest installed a new engine in their car just before their wedding so that the car would be more powerful for their planned cross country drive to Mexico. The car made it to the New Jersey Turnpike before it started continuously bucking. They made it as far as Fredericksburg, Virginia, stopping to add water to the radiator every chance they had, and gave up on the trip to Mexico. They returned back to her parents in Hawthorne, where Joy’s sister Joan had their station wagon ready for a joint honeymoon / second honeymoon to Niagara Falls with her sister Joan and brother-in-law Bruce taking them. When they returned home, Demarest figured out that the new engine he installed was bigger but he didn’t install a large enough cooling fan. He went to the junk yard, found a bigger fan, and they were soon off, alone, to Toms River for the last two days of their honeymoon as the first guests to stay in the just opened Howard Johnson’s Hotel. The hotel was so new that they didn’t even have towels in the room yet.
He loved to work on cars whether it was rebuilding an engine or completely repainting the exterior. And did so for a number of years even working on the weekends. In addition, Demmy also enjoyed using his hands to create artistic works. When living in Vernon he painted cartoon characters over the entire wall of the family room. When the new owners moved in and kept the wall just that way because they liked it so much. Later, he created stained glass works in what became a second weekend job. For several years, he and the family would spend the weekends at the Americana Hotel in Vernon where he would do demonstrations on how to make stained glass pieces as well as sell his works. His creations were purchased by people from all over the United States and even several other countries.
Demarest will be remembered as a loving family man who could make friends with great ease anywhere he went. While simply shopping, he met people and would have a long conversation with whomever and walked away somehow knowing their history. During this past year of going through chemotherapy he made friends of security staff, nurses and more. There was never a place that he went where he didn't get talking to people.
Demmy was also a great son-in-law who would take Joy and her mom and dad, Hedy and George Doran, shopping every weekend. In recent years, when his mother-in-law Hedy was in Sunrise and CHCC facilities, he and Joy visited her daily. Demmy had a knack for befriending the residents. He quickly became known and liked by everyone - making friends with staff, residents and visitors - there was always someone looking forward to his visit. When he wasn't up to going inside to visit, he would sit in the car and the residents would want to know where he was and if he was OK.
In his free time, Demmy enjoyed golfing for many years with the league at work (his friend Richie at O&R taught him), and then later at the Passaic County Golf Course. He liked to golf with his son-in-law Adam too. He injured his leg which slowed him down and eventually stopped him from golfing due to the pain. After retiring, Demmy enjoyed fishing whenever possible, and spent many memorable hours fishing with his granddaughter Hope and his son-in-law Bob and grandson Matthew.
For years he served as an usher with his daughter Meri at Cornerstone Chapel in Pompton Plains. Demmy made a stained glass sign which hung at the entrance of Cornerstone Chapel. Later, Demmy and his daughter Joy worked together to build decorations / backgrounds for Vacation Bible School at Cornerstone Christian Church in Wyckoff.
Demmy was a strong, brave man as he battled different cancers in his lifetime, but he always bounced back and was ready to take on something new. In the 1970s, Demmy's second cancer surgery held a true miracle. Demmy was supposed to be in a private room after surgery. When Joy went she was shocked he was in a twelve bed ward and she was very upset. They assured Joy he would be in private room in the morning. The next day Joy found out that God had planned it and gave them a miracle. Demmy had started to choke, and was unable to reach the cord for help. The gentleman next to Demmy could not speak English, but knew Demmy was in trouble and rang for nurse. After Demmy's third cancer surgery - with stitches straight down his whole chest, the doctor went into Demmy's room and said OK, you can do light exercise. The doctor was shocked when he went in the room to check on Demmy and found him doing pushups against the wall, apparently that isn't considered light exercise after surgery. Mostly recently when he went for a knee replacement, it was discovered that he had stage 4 lung cancer that metastasized to his liver and pelvis. With the knee replacement off, Demmy braved this battle valiantly, having endured several types of chemotherapy and immunotherapy treatments, with none working. Ever the fighter, when the doctor gave him the option of starting a fifth new treatment, Demmy immediately answered yes which didn't surprise his doctor one bit. Demmy felt there was still so much life to live and wanted to keep trying.
Demmy was extremely thankful for his daughters taking turns bringing him into Columbia Presbyterian Hospital and staying with him for hours for all his chemo treatments, as his wife Joy couldn't go to the 14th floor due to here severe claustrophobia. His grandkids even sometimes joined on the chemo days, which made those days brighter for Demmy. Joy was able to take him to all his doctor visits.
Demmy was the love of Joy's life. Joy took care of him 24/7 because he didn't want anyone else. Through ups and downs, they stuck together, prayed and made it through with God's help. In order to say his good-bye to Joy before the Lord called him home, he reached out, put his arm around her waist with a quick hug; then he grabbed her hand, held it tight, and squeezed it and went home.
An open letter to Demmy from his loving wife Joy...
I wanted to say something about the love of my life, my husband Demmy, but no words seemed right and I couldn't understand why. I have asked Pastor Rich to read this because I just can't. Funny, when I asked Demmy to do some little things recently, his answer was I can't. At the time, I was upset and felt he wasn't trying and was just giving up. Then he decided to go through a fifth type of chemotherapy and he showed me again he gave all he could plus, and the words “I can't” were so so real. I now realize what he meant as I just can't.
I woke up yesterday morning having some of my answers. Demmy and I never actually said goodbye – there were no words said or planned for. People might think that our goodbye was while he was gasping for air continually for hours, we held hands tightly not wanting to let go, and his reaching out to grab a quick half hug were it, but they’d be wrong. Or even as I kissed his hand over and over and told him how much I loved him, how he was the bravest man I knew and I was so proud, how I couldn't stand to see him so ill, that was our goodbye but again they’d be wrong. Or maybe even when I said over and over again in tears I don't want you to go, I'm going to miss you so, that was it --our goodbye --- but it wasn’t.
We had been together 24/7 since he retired, and before that every moment we could be. However, no words were mentioned about him dying or good bye. I asked if he thought he was going Home with the Lord, and even though unable to speak because of the gasping, I thought I would just get another shake of his head yes or no. However, clearly speaking without a gasp he said, I don't know. I told him I didn't either (as I had never been with someone during that actual moment God called them home). I know in my heart of hearts, the reason no actual good-bye was said was because we know that Jesus died so we could have eternal life. Being a selfish human being, I wanted Demmy to live on forever right beside me, but he will just have to live on forever in my heart. God heard my prayers but decided differently knowing that Demmy needed to be healed once again but this time completely. He will never get another cancer, never need another surgery, never again feel the horrible pain of his knee or his back, never have to struggle to get his breath or strength to get in and out of a car or up the stairs after each chemotherapy. He is now whole and pain free for eternity. God said you have fought a good fight, let me help you.
Right before Demmy passed, he grabbed at his eyes and rubbed them hard. A second later he did it again. I will likely never know, but maybe he was seeing a bright light, the Lord, something wonderful and beautiful in heaven or even my parents waiting there to greet him. Although my heart is breaking and will be every day of my life, as I am crying and feel such a terrible emptiness, I have had some clarity. I have realized that the struggles in our lifetime when we were both ill, when he was ill over and over, through tough financial struggles, and other tough times God brought us to our knees in prayer and brought us through it. We were blessed over and over with many miracles some of which even the doctors said just couldn't happen, but did. Now, as in my favorite poem Footprints, I need God to carry me through till we are together again. Although no one is perfect, nor any marriage perfect, Demmy and I made it through the good and bad with love and God's help. So again, I am calling on God. I was blessed to have over fifty one years with Demmy, now Heaven is blessed.
Eulogy read by Demmy's daughter Meri...
Daddy,
Thank you. Thank you for loving us all so deeply that you would do anything and everything to spend more time with us. We – Mom, Joy, Adam, Hope, Bob, Matthew and I (Nana and Pop too when they were alive) – always came first. We are grateful for the example you set for us and the time you spent with each of us to personally invest in our lives in very specific and different ways.
I’m not even sure you realized how special that is to us and how loved it made each of us feel. You are not just our Dad and Grandpa but also a friend to us, taking time to listen to and encourage each of us through the seasons of lives. Your simple, quiet responses often had a profound and deep meaning and yet like you, they were genuine as they come.
What we saw as we got older was your ability to connect with people. You had an amazing ability to strike up even a simple conversation and instantly make a new friend. Your down to earth personality enabled people to feel comfortable and started many a great conversation which often turned into a relationship. Growing up, our friends got to know and love you as well. As you and Mom hosted parties for us with our friends in high school and college, our friends got to know you and enjoyed talking with you. Most recently, the hospital staff became your new friends – from the security guard who called you buddy and chatted us about life, to the phlebotomist with whom you loved to talk politics and gave you fist pumps (even though your opinions differed), to the staff on the infusion floor who know you we never had to say your name to check in like everyone else, and the nurses that even when they were not the ones responsible for your care needed to stop by and say hello or check in on you. But it didn’t even have to be someone you spent a lot of time with. It could be someone on a bench in the store next to you or a golf partner in a foursome you just met, you loved learning about them. Everyone you met, not just us, enjoyed your company, because you Dad were simply the best company to be in.
Dad was a loyal and committed employee as well, having worked for Orange & Rockland Utilities for 55 year. He would not allow a retirement party for him because he had promised his co-worker and buddy over 40 years, Dougie, that they would retire together. Dougie could not be there for a party because he was dying of lung cancer. They are probably sharing coffee and jelly donuts together now.
He lived out his faith in how he treated his work and other people as well. Dad’s ability to talk to people definitely was a gift that helped him in the many different roles he had over the years there. Particularly, in the Hassidic Jewish communities in the territory he covered, while they were not welcoming to most outsiders, yet they welcomed Dad and considered him part of their community.
Politics, that’s a whole detour I could take for a long time. I can’t begin to imagine the total number of hours Dad and I spent talking about policies, politicians, and more. When I was in college we were faithful Rush Limbaugh listeners and he had a TV show at the time, which taped locally and had a College Week. Dad wore one of our Rutgers sweatshirts and joined my College Republican friends and me to be in the audience for the taping. We enjoyed going together so much.
Dad would talk with anyone about politics, taboos aside. He knew so much and loved to discuss it, and he’d try to persuade you if you were on the “wrong” side of things.
Dad knew how to do almost anything, and most of that was self-taught. He would read anything and try to teach himself by tinkering until he got it right as was the case with building engines and repairing cars. American History was another passion and he knew it well. But knowing something wasn’t enough, he took the time to share his knowledge and abilities whenever he could. He showed Adam how to change a headlight, Joy how to change the oil and rotate tires. He also taught Adam how to play golf, and was looking forward to teaching Hope the same. He taught Hope and Matthew how to fish. He was patient even when learning had its bumps in the road; and was encouraging when he saw development. He recently told Matthew that he looked forward to seeing Matthew as a Bassmaster one day because he has talent.
Dad loved fishing and, after he retired, went whenever he could. He was an early riser, and so was Matthew, so their pre-summer camp tradition was born where Dad would drive over, very early, every day it wasn’t raining, and take Matthew fishing brining him home just in time to leave for camp. Bob too loves to fish and so he would join the two of them on weekends when it worked for all 3 to go; and sometimes Bob would meet Dad so just the two of them could fish. It was a shared loved that created precious memories and a bond with Matthew.
Dad had a love for sports. He was an excellent baseball player in high school even setting a long-standing home run distance record. After high school, he really focused on his next love - auto racing. He built and raced stock cars. He was an excellent mechanic and that caused other teams to seek him out to build their engines. He was a certified NASCAR and NHRA mechanic and driver. He started on ovals but went to straight track with the hot rod racing. After marrying Mom, he no longer raced, but he loved to watch NASCAR on the weekend. He got me into NASCAR when a kid named Jeff Gordon came up from California. The #24 car and Jeff Gordon became his favorite driver. I caught the fever and now Matthew has too. Many times Adam would sit watching the race with Dad as he told him the facts about drivers, whether it was a car or truck race, it didn't matter. Dad knew a tremendous amount about it all. In fact, he knew so much it would make most people’s head spin. It didn't take Adam long to get hooked on NASCAR as well and Sundays were semi-dedicated to both football and then later on NASCAR races. We enjoyed talking about drivers, teams, chances for championships, rule changes and more. When not watching NASCAR, Sundays were “Golf Day”. Dad played golf almost every Sunday until his knee pain made it impossible. His passion for the game and the fact that he went most weekends were again contagious and it didn't take long for Adam to go with him and for Dad to teach him how to play. Once again, Dad kept encouraging Adam and telling him he would get better with practice. After many rounds and a lot of practice Adam was able to bring his score down to the upper 80s. Still not to where Dad was at but it didn’t matter, they had fun out there on the course - Dad would bring his radio and check on the race to see who was winning while they golfed - they would laugh and joke and enjoy the time spent.
Adam and Dad got to a Yankees World Series game together. It was a joy for both of them.
For a number of years Dad and I went to the NFL/PGA golf tournament in Clifton. We enjoyed our day together walking the course, watching and talking about the players there. We’d get autographs on golf hats - Dad used to talk to the PGA players and get their autographs; then hand me the hat for the NFL guys joking they’d sign for me before they would him. It didn’t matter that I never fully understood golf, despite his efforts to explain it to me; it was just a fun day the two of us looked forward to.
Daddy had quiet faith. Until recently, he went to Church every Sunday. Adam said that afterwards when they would have lunch he would ask Dad how the sermon was, inevitably he would tell me what it was about -his version -then Mom would chime in and say Demmy that is not what Pastor said - which always gave him a chuckle!
Another Van Blarcom tradition, which is now an Urdang and Gupko tradition as well, has been the annual summer family vacation to Amish Dutch Country in Lancaster Pennsylvania. Adam thought okay this a bit weird to do this every year - why not try somewhere different, but now he gets it - the familiarity, the relaxed and comfortable feeling you get being there, the fun and good times spent. But also the reunion with dear friends made on those trips. It all makes sense and feels right. We all enjoy the time out there and family fun - swimming, horse and buggy rides, shopping and eating (Miller's Smorgasbord, Ice Cream at Lapps Farm). This past summer my parents made a second trip with Joy, Adam and Hope. They encouraged Dad to pick elsewhere, but when faced with the option he chose where he loved, Pennsylvania.
Dad would do anything for us, his family. He was a family man and that meant that no matter what was going on, his family was most important. Before Joy and Adam were married, Dad and mom fixed up the family room, and that meant countless hours of work - at night after work and on weekends. They were able to live there for about a year and it allowed them to save for a down payment on their townhouse. Adam said it also allowed them to become a bit closer - as if that was possible! Bob and I moved in to that same room almost two months after they left and enjoyed our years living there so we too could save up. Joy and Adam, Bob and I are so appreciative and thankful!
Dad was not a theater guy, or one to go to shows. But when Hope started singing, acting and performing, Dad and Mom were eagerly there at every performance they could attend. And he enjoyed it, because he got joy from seeing Hope perform so happily.
Being there for his beloved grandkids was something he did every chance he could. He didn’t miss a grandparents day at their school, went to every special chapel they were in and anything else that allowed him to be there. If we needed someone to look after Matthew for some time, Dad would happily come over watching Speed TV, talking racing and fishing and get Matthew to read to him (which he wouldn’t do for anyone else). And in the rough times with the chemo, he only looked forward talking about seeing Hope and Matthew doing stuff in the future, like looking forward to seeing Matthew playing soccer for the school team next year.
Adam recalls many fond memories of Dad – they did so much together over the 25 years that Dad met and welcomed Adam. When he started dating Joy and would come to the house, part of the night was spent hanging out with Dad too with shooting pool in the basement was one way. Dad was very good and so was Adam because as a teenager he’d spent countless hours shooting pool, so the rivalry was born. Dad had a bit of an advantage and was a competitor - he had a desire and drive to win so he practiced and over time it was apparent to Adam that even though Dad was the better player, there was a few times when he knew Dad took it easy on him. The friendly competition continued at basketball hoop in the back yard, Adam feeling he may have been slightly better in a game of horse, but says Joy actually was the best out of all of us! The important thing was everyone had a lot of fun and it taught Adam how to lose gracefully as well as learning that it was only a game and not to get so upset about losing.
Daddy would thank us for taking him for his chemotherapy always saying he appreciated all we did for him. Joy and I actually looked forward to each of those days, because it was a special day to spend lots of time with Dad. It wasn’t us doing him a favor; it was a blessing to enjoy time with him that we never otherwise would have had. Dad made the best of it joking with the staff, and just enjoying the time with family, especially on the days Hope or Matthew came along. In fact Dad happily learned all about Pokémon Go on a chemo day as we wheeled around with him looking for Poke Stops around the hospital, Matthew explaining it along the way; afterward Dad and I would smile pointing out all of the Poke Stops we remembered on days Matthew wasn’t with us.
He was strong and brave on many levels so it was no surprise that time and time again when he got sick he never showed anything but fight. A diagnosis came and he just said what do we need to do and moved through it. Thyroid cancer when we were kids, later it was prostate cancer, skin cancer and so this last bought with Stage 4 lung cancer Dad once again said what do we do and did it, time and time again. He battled in a way that left us, the doctor and others amazed – if treatment one didn’t work, then on to the next and so it went, even to treatment 5 starting only days before his passing. He was so weak, we didn’t think they’d even clear him to go forward, but he did it anyway. He wanted to fight, to be there for Mommy, us and the grandkids. His toughness was incredible, he was so much weaker and in more pain than he ever let on and just kept going. He was not giving up, and he never did, cancer didn’t beat him, God beat cancer taking Daddy to his eternal home with a body that can move and is pain free; as Matthew told me he has a new body and if it isn’t the body of a kid he has the energy of a kid now.
Daddy didn’t know how inspiring his courage was, but when I was diagnosed with breast cancer years ago, my first reaction was fear but then I thought no just like Dad what do I need to do let’s get it done and move on. He could do it, so could I.
Dad and Mom have been inseparable and their connection a testament of long lasting love in the good and the bad. When Dad retired, he had plans for fishing, which he did as much of as he could, but his number one plan was spending time with mom. It didn’t matter where they went or what they did, as long as they were together, they were happy. They never got to take big vacations, and spent many hours simply visiting Nana in assisted living or the nursing home for the past six years, but it was all good. In his final days, as in life, he only wanted mom to be there so it makes sense that he would leave this earth with her by his side holding hands.
Daddy, we love you more than these words could ever describe and there could never be enough time to share “you” and all the things you mean to us. We are so thankful that you are completely healed and with Jesus but at the same time heartbroken that we have to wait to see you again. We will love you always!
Demarest was the loving husband of fifty-one years to Joy (Doran) Van Blarcom; devoted father of Joy Urdang and her husband Adam of Wayne, Meri Gupko and her husband Bob of Riverdale; cherished grandfather of Hope Urdang and Matthew Gupko; and brother of Al and his wife Jan Van Blarcom of Catskill, New York, and Sandy Cotthaus of Montgomery, New York.
If you would like to send a private condolence directly to the family use this condolence section.
Friends may visit with the family from 2-4 and 6-8 PM on Wednesday, November 9, 2016 at the Vander May Wayne Colonial Funeral Home, 567 Ratzer Road, Wayne.
A Funeral Service will be held 10 AM on Thursday, November 10, 2016 at the funeral home.
Interment will be in George Washington Memorial Park, Paramus.
Services
Friends may visit with the family from 2-4 and 6-8 PM on Wednesday, November 9, 2016 at the Vander May Wayne Colonial Funeral Home, 567 Ratzer Road, Wayne.
A Funeral Service will be held 10 AM on Thursday, November 10, 2016 at the funeral home.
Interment will be in George Washington Memorial Park, Paramus.
Demarest “Demmy” “Van” Van Blarcom, III, age 76, of Pompton Lakes passed peacefully at home while holding his wife Joy’s hand on Sunday, November 6, 2016.
He was born in Orangetown, NY and raised in Palisades, NY having attended Nyack High School and graduated from the Tappan Zee High School with the Class of 1958. Demmy was an excellent baseball player in high school and held the longest home run record for the field at Nyack High School for years.
Just out of high school Van worked for Orange & Rockland Utilities as a Utility Clerk in their West Nyack office. A year later, he enlisted in the United States Army and was part of the 39th Artillery. At that time, he requested to serve in Germany as a mechanic and was granted both desires. For the next two and a half years, he served in Germany. He was renowned for being able to listen to trucks pass by (even in convoy) and determining what repairs the truck needed by the sound. As a result, he was promoted to sergeant after only one year of service; he also earned a sharpshooter award and mechanic’s badge. In 1963, he returned to work at Orange & Rockland Utilities. The next ten years he spent reading meters, later working as a collector out of the Monroe office and subsequently in the Blooming Grove office as a meter tester. Demarest worked for Orange & Rockland/Con Edison for fifty-five years before retiring in 2013. His picture hangs in the Con Edison Corporate offices in Manhattan. Additionally, he was a member of IBEW 503 and the ORRA.
Demmy knew how to do almost everything, generally teaching himself how to do it. He worked on fixing anything and everything he could whether around the house or on cars. In his younger years, Demmy enjoyed building and racing stock cars. He was an excellent mechanic, who not only handled his own stock cars but was sought out to by other teams to build their engines because of his skill. During that time, he was a certified NASCAR and NHRA mechanic as well as driver. He started driving stock cars in races on oval tracks and later straight track races were his forte. By the time he met Joy, he was racing exclusively on straight tracks and they spent many a weekend at the races.
Demarest met Joy Doran through mutual friends Bob and Sue Schaeffer, when they were in their wedding party. For a long time, they thought Joy and Demmy would be a good match in spite of the fact that they were both dating others. Ultimately, the other relationships dissolved, Bob and Sue sat them together at their wedding reception, and the rest was history. After a proposal that went something like this while driving around after a race, “oh I think the engine is gone in the car (in actuality that was not true)…so do you want to get married?” they married on June 6, 1965 at the Bethlehem Lutheran Church in Ridgewood, NJ.
Ever the one to tinker with an engine, Demarest installed a new engine in their car just before their wedding so that the car would be more powerful for their planned cross country drive to Mexico. The car made it to the New Jersey Turnpike before it started continuously bucking. They made it as far as Fredericksburg, Virginia, stopping to add water to the radiator every chance they had, and gave up on the trip to Mexico. They returned back to her parents in Hawthorne, where Joy’s sister Joan had their station wagon ready for a joint honeymoon / second honeymoon to Niagara Falls with her sister Joan and brother-in-law Bruce taking them. When they returned home, Demarest figured out that the new engine he installed was bigger but he didn’t install a large enough cooling fan. He went to the junk yard, found a bigger fan, and they were soon off, alone, to Toms River for the last two days of their honeymoon as the first guests to stay in the just opened Howard Johnson’s Hotel. The hotel was so new that they didn’t even have towels in the room yet.
He loved to work on cars whether it was rebuilding an engine or completely repainting the exterior. And did so for a number of years even working on the weekends. In addition, Demmy also enjoyed using his hands to create artistic works. When living in Vernon he painted cartoon characters over the entire wall of the family room. When the new owners moved in and kept the wall just that way because they liked it so much. Later, he created stained glass works in what became a second weekend job. For several years, he and the family would spend the weekends at the Americana Hotel in Vernon where he would do demonstrations on how to make stained glass pieces as well as sell his works. His creations were purchased by people from all over the United States and even several other countries.
Demarest will be remembered as a loving family man who could make friends with great ease anywhere he went. While simply shopping, he met people and would have a long conversation with whomever and walked away somehow knowing their history. During this past year of going through chemotherapy he made friends of security staff, nurses and more. There was never a place that he went where he didn't get talking to people.
Demmy was also a great son-in-law who would take Joy and her mom and dad, Hedy and George Doran, shopping every weekend. In recent years, when his mother-in-law Hedy was in Sunrise and CHCC facilities, he and Joy visited her daily. Demmy had a knack for befriending the residents. He quickly became known and liked by everyone - making friends with staff, residents and visitors - there was always someone looking forward to his visit. When he wasn't up to going inside to visit, he would sit in the car and the residents would want to know where he was and if he was OK.
In his free time, Demmy enjoyed golfing for many years with the league at work (his friend Richie at O&R taught him), and then later at the Passaic County Golf Course. He liked to golf with his son-in-law Adam too. He injured his leg which slowed him down and eventually stopped him from golfing due to the pain. After retiring, Demmy enjoyed fishing whenever possible, and spent many memorable hours fishing with his granddaughter Hope and his son-in-law Bob and grandson Matthew.
For years he served as an usher with his daughter Meri at Cornerstone Chapel in Pompton Plains. Demmy made a stained glass sign which hung at the entrance of Cornerstone Chapel. Later, Demmy and his daughter Joy worked together to build decorations / backgrounds for Vacation Bible School at Cornerstone Christian Church in Wyckoff.
Demmy was a strong, brave man as he battled different cancers in his lifetime, but he always bounced back and was ready to take on something new. In the 1970s, Demmy's second cancer surgery held a true miracle. Demmy was supposed to be in a private room after surgery. When Joy went she was shocked he was in a twelve bed ward and she was very upset. They assured Joy he would be in private room in the morning. The next day Joy found out that God had planned it and gave them a miracle. Demmy had started to choke, and was unable to reach the cord for help. The gentleman next to Demmy could not speak English, but knew Demmy was in trouble and rang for nurse. After Demmy's third cancer surgery - with stitches straight down his whole chest, the doctor went into Demmy's room and said OK, you can do light exercise. The doctor was shocked when he went in the room to check on Demmy and found him doing pushups against the wall, apparently that isn't considered light exercise after surgery. Mostly recently when he went for a knee replacement, it was discovered that he had stage 4 lung cancer that metastasized to his liver and pelvis. With the knee replacement off, Demmy braved this battle valiantly, having endured several types of chemotherapy and immunotherapy treatments, with none working. Ever the fighter, when the doctor gave him the option of starting a fifth new treatment, Demmy immediately answered yes which didn't surprise his doctor one bit. Demmy felt there was still so much life to live and wanted to keep trying.
Demmy was extremely thankful for his daughters taking turns bringing him into Columbia Presbyterian Hospital and staying with him for hours for all his chemo treatments, as his wife Joy couldn't go to the 14th floor due to here severe claustrophobia. His grandkids even sometimes joined on the chemo days, which made those days brighter for Demmy. Joy was able to take him to all his doctor visits.
Demmy was the love of Joy's life. Joy took care of him 24/7 because he didn't want anyone else. Through ups and downs, they stuck together, prayed and made it through with God's help. In order to say his good-bye to Joy before the Lord called him home, he reached out, put his arm around her waist with a quick hug; then he grabbed her hand, held it tight, and squeezed it and went home.
An open letter to Demmy from his loving wife Joy...
I wanted to say something about the love of my life, my husband Demmy, but no words seemed right and I couldn't understand why. I have asked Pastor Rich to read this because I just can't. Funny, when I asked Demmy to do some little things recently, his answer was I can't. At the time, I was upset and felt he wasn't trying and was just giving up. Then he decided to go through a fifth type of chemotherapy and he showed me again he gave all he could plus, and the words “I can't” were so so real. I now realize what he meant as I just can't.
I woke up yesterday morning having some of my answers. Demmy and I never actually said goodbye – there were no words said or planned for. People might think that our goodbye was while he was gasping for air continually for hours, we held hands tightly not wanting to let go, and his reaching out to grab a quick half hug were it, but they’d be wrong. Or even as I kissed his hand over and over and told him how much I loved him, how he was the bravest man I knew and I was so proud, how I couldn't stand to see him so ill, that was our goodbye but again they’d be wrong. Or maybe even when I said over and over again in tears I don't want you to go, I'm going to miss you so, that was it --our goodbye --- but it wasn’t.
We had been together 24/7 since he retired, and before that every moment we could be. However, no words were mentioned about him dying or good bye. I asked if he thought he was going Home with the Lord, and even though unable to speak because of the gasping, I thought I would just get another shake of his head yes or no. However, clearly speaking without a gasp he said, I don't know. I told him I didn't either (as I had never been with someone during that actual moment God called them home). I know in my heart of hearts, the reason no actual good-bye was said was because we know that Jesus died so we could have eternal life. Being a selfish human being, I wanted Demmy to live on forever right beside me, but he will just have to live on forever in my heart. God heard my prayers but decided differently knowing that Demmy needed to be healed once again but this time completely. He will never get another cancer, never need another surgery, never again feel the horrible pain of his knee or his back, never have to struggle to get his breath or strength to get in and out of a car or up the stairs after each chemotherapy. He is now whole and pain free for eternity. God said you have fought a good fight, let me help you.
Right before Demmy passed, he grabbed at his eyes and rubbed them hard. A second later he did it again. I will likely never know, but maybe he was seeing a bright light, the Lord, something wonderful and beautiful in heaven or even my parents waiting there to greet him. Although my heart is breaking and will be every day of my life, as I am crying and feel such a terrible emptiness, I have had some clarity. I have realized that the struggles in our lifetime when we were both ill, when he was ill over and over, through tough financial struggles, and other tough times God brought us to our knees in prayer and brought us through it. We were blessed over and over with many miracles some of which even the doctors said just couldn't happen, but did. Now, as in my favorite poem Footprints, I need God to carry me through till we are together again. Although no one is perfect, nor any marriage perfect, Demmy and I made it through the good and bad with love and God's help. So again, I am calling on God. I was blessed to have over fifty one years with Demmy, now Heaven is blessed.
Eulogy read by Demmy's daughter Meri...
Daddy,
Thank you. Thank you for loving us all so deeply that you would do anything and everything to spend more time with us. We – Mom, Joy, Adam, Hope, Bob, Matthew and I (Nana and Pop too when they were alive) – always came first. We are grateful for the example you set for us and the time you spent with each of us to personally invest in our lives in very specific and different ways.
I’m not even sure you realized how special that is to us and how loved it made each of us feel. You are not just our Dad and Grandpa but also a friend to us, taking time to listen to and encourage each of us through the seasons of lives. Your simple, quiet responses often had a profound and deep meaning and yet like you, they were genuine as they come.
What we saw as we got older was your ability to connect with people. You had an amazing ability to strike up even a simple conversation and instantly make a new friend. Your down to earth personality enabled people to feel comfortable and started many a great conversation which often turned into a relationship. Growing up, our friends got to know and love you as well. As you and Mom hosted parties for us with our friends in high school and college, our friends got to know you and enjoyed talking with you. Most recently, the hospital staff became your new friends – from the security guard who called you buddy and chatted us about life, to the phlebotomist with whom you loved to talk politics and gave you fist pumps (even though your opinions differed), to the staff on the infusion floor who know you we never had to say your name to check in like everyone else, and the nurses that even when they were not the ones responsible for your care needed to stop by and say hello or check in on you. But it didn’t even have to be someone you spent a lot of time with. It could be someone on a bench in the store next to you or a golf partner in a foursome you just met, you loved learning about them. Everyone you met, not just us, enjoyed your company, because you Dad were simply the best company to be in.
Dad was a loyal and committed employee as well, having worked for Orange & Rockland Utilities for 55 year. He would not allow a retirement party for him because he had promised his co-worker and buddy over 40 years, Dougie, that they would retire together. Dougie could not be there for a party because he was dying of lung cancer. They are probably sharing coffee and jelly donuts together now.
He lived out his faith in how he treated his work and other people as well. Dad’s ability to talk to people definitely was a gift that helped him in the many different roles he had over the years there. Particularly, in the Hassidic Jewish communities in the territory he covered, while they were not welcoming to most outsiders, yet they welcomed Dad and considered him part of their community.
Politics, that’s a whole detour I could take for a long time. I can’t begin to imagine the total number of hours Dad and I spent talking about policies, politicians, and more. When I was in college we were faithful Rush Limbaugh listeners and he had a TV show at the time, which taped locally and had a College Week. Dad wore one of our Rutgers sweatshirts and joined my College Republican friends and me to be in the audience for the taping. We enjoyed going together so much.
Dad would talk with anyone about politics, taboos aside. He knew so much and loved to discuss it, and he’d try to persuade you if you were on the “wrong” side of things.
Dad knew how to do almost anything, and most of that was self-taught. He would read anything and try to teach himself by tinkering until he got it right as was the case with building engines and repairing cars. American History was another passion and he knew it well. But knowing something wasn’t enough, he took the time to share his knowledge and abilities whenever he could. He showed Adam how to change a headlight, Joy how to change the oil and rotate tires. He also taught Adam how to play golf, and was looking forward to teaching Hope the same. He taught Hope and Matthew how to fish. He was patient even when learning had its bumps in the road; and was encouraging when he saw development. He recently told Matthew that he looked forward to seeing Matthew as a Bassmaster one day because he has talent.
Dad loved fishing and, after he retired, went whenever he could. He was an early riser, and so was Matthew, so their pre-summer camp tradition was born where Dad would drive over, very early, every day it wasn’t raining, and take Matthew fishing brining him home just in time to leave for camp. Bob too loves to fish and so he would join the two of them on weekends when it worked for all 3 to go; and sometimes Bob would meet Dad so just the two of them could fish. It was a shared loved that created precious memories and a bond with Matthew.
Dad had a love for sports. He was an excellent baseball player in high school even setting a long-standing home run distance record. After high school, he really focused on his next love - auto racing. He built and raced stock cars. He was an excellent mechanic and that caused other teams to seek him out to build their engines. He was a certified NASCAR and NHRA mechanic and driver. He started on ovals but went to straight track with the hot rod racing. After marrying Mom, he no longer raced, but he loved to watch NASCAR on the weekend. He got me into NASCAR when a kid named Jeff Gordon came up from California. The #24 car and Jeff Gordon became his favorite driver. I caught the fever and now Matthew has too. Many times Adam would sit watching the race with Dad as he told him the facts about drivers, whether it was a car or truck race, it didn't matter. Dad knew a tremendous amount about it all. In fact, he knew so much it would make most people’s head spin. It didn't take Adam long to get hooked on NASCAR as well and Sundays were semi-dedicated to both football and then later on NASCAR races. We enjoyed talking about drivers, teams, chances for championships, rule changes and more. When not watching NASCAR, Sundays were “Golf Day”. Dad played golf almost every Sunday until his knee pain made it impossible. His passion for the game and the fact that he went most weekends were again contagious and it didn't take long for Adam to go with him and for Dad to teach him how to play. Once again, Dad kept encouraging Adam and telling him he would get better with practice. After many rounds and a lot of practice Adam was able to bring his score down to the upper 80s. Still not to where Dad was at but it didn’t matter, they had fun out there on the course - Dad would bring his radio and check on the race to see who was winning while they golfed - they would laugh and joke and enjoy the time spent.
Adam and Dad got to a Yankees World Series game together. It was a joy for both of them.
For a number of years Dad and I went to the NFL/PGA golf tournament in Clifton. We enjoyed our day together walking the course, watching and talking about the players there. We’d get autographs on golf hats - Dad used to talk to the PGA players and get their autographs; then hand me the hat for the NFL guys joking they’d sign for me before they would him. It didn’t matter that I never fully understood golf, despite his efforts to explain it to me; it was just a fun day the two of us looked forward to.
Daddy had quiet faith. Until recently, he went to Church every Sunday. Adam said that afterwards when they would have lunch he would ask Dad how the sermon was, inevitably he would tell me what it was about -his version -then Mom would chime in and say Demmy that is not what Pastor said - which always gave him a chuckle!
Another Van Blarcom tradition, which is now an Urdang and Gupko tradition as well, has been the annual summer family vacation to Amish Dutch Country in Lancaster Pennsylvania. Adam thought okay this a bit weird to do this every year - why not try somewhere different, but now he gets it - the familiarity, the relaxed and comfortable feeling you get being there, the fun and good times spent. But also the reunion with dear friends made on those trips. It all makes sense and feels right. We all enjoy the time out there and family fun - swimming, horse and buggy rides, shopping and eating (Miller's Smorgasbord, Ice Cream at Lapps Farm). This past summer my parents made a second trip with Joy, Adam and Hope. They encouraged Dad to pick elsewhere, but when faced with the option he chose where he loved, Pennsylvania.
Dad would do anything for us, his family. He was a family man and that meant that no matter what was going on, his family was most important. Before Joy and Adam were married, Dad and mom fixed up the family room, and that meant countless hours of work - at night after work and on weekends. They were able to live there for about a year and it allowed them to save for a down payment on their townhouse. Adam said it also allowed them to become a bit closer - as if that was possible! Bob and I moved in to that same room almost two months after they left and enjoyed our years living there so we too could save up. Joy and Adam, Bob and I are so appreciative and thankful!
Dad was not a theater guy, or one to go to shows. But when Hope started singing, acting and performing, Dad and Mom were eagerly there at every performance they could attend. And he enjoyed it, because he got joy from seeing Hope perform so happily.
Being there for his beloved grandkids was something he did every chance he could. He didn’t miss a grandparents day at their school, went to every special chapel they were in and anything else that allowed him to be there. If we needed someone to look after Matthew for some time, Dad would happily come over watching Speed TV, talking racing and fishing and get Matthew to read to him (which he wouldn’t do for anyone else). And in the rough times with the chemo, he only looked forward talking about seeing Hope and Matthew doing stuff in the future, like looking forward to seeing Matthew playing soccer for the school team next year.
Adam recalls many fond memories of Dad – they did so much together over the 25 years that Dad met and welcomed Adam. When he started dating Joy and would come to the house, part of the night was spent hanging out with Dad too with shooting pool in the basement was one way. Dad was very good and so was Adam because as a teenager he’d spent countless hours shooting pool, so the rivalry was born. Dad had a bit of an advantage and was a competitor - he had a desire and drive to win so he practiced and over time it was apparent to Adam that even though Dad was the better player, there was a few times when he knew Dad took it easy on him. The friendly competition continued at basketball hoop in the back yard, Adam feeling he may have been slightly better in a game of horse, but says Joy actually was the best out of all of us! The important thing was everyone had a lot of fun and it taught Adam how to lose gracefully as well as learning that it was only a game and not to get so upset about losing.
Daddy would thank us for taking him for his chemotherapy always saying he appreciated all we did for him. Joy and I actually looked forward to each of those days, because it was a special day to spend lots of time with Dad. It wasn’t us doing him a favor; it was a blessing to enjoy time with him that we never otherwise would have had. Dad made the best of it joking with the staff, and just enjoying the time with family, especially on the days Hope or Matthew came along. In fact Dad happily learned all about Pokémon Go on a chemo day as we wheeled around with him looking for Poke Stops around the hospital, Matthew explaining it along the way; afterward Dad and I would smile pointing out all of the Poke Stops we remembered on days Matthew wasn’t with us.
He was strong and brave on many levels so it was no surprise that time and time again when he got sick he never showed anything but fight. A diagnosis came and he just said what do we need to do and moved through it. Thyroid cancer when we were kids, later it was prostate cancer, skin cancer and so this last bought with Stage 4 lung cancer Dad once again said what do we do and did it, time and time again. He battled in a way that left us, the doctor and others amazed – if treatment one didn’t work, then on to the next and so it went, even to treatment 5 starting only days before his passing. He was so weak, we didn’t think they’d even clear him to go forward, but he did it anyway. He wanted to fight, to be there for Mommy, us and the grandkids. His toughness was incredible, he was so much weaker and in more pain than he ever let on and just kept going. He was not giving up, and he never did, cancer didn’t beat him, God beat cancer taking Daddy to his eternal home with a body that can move and is pain free; as Matthew told me he has a new body and if it isn’t the body of a kid he has the energy of a kid now.
Daddy didn’t know how inspiring his courage was, but when I was diagnosed with breast cancer years ago, my first reaction was fear but then I thought no just like Dad what do I need to do let’s get it done and move on. He could do it, so could I.
Dad and Mom have been inseparable and their connection a testament of long lasting love in the good and the bad. When Dad retired, he had plans for fishing, which he did as much of as he could, but his number one plan was spending time with mom. It didn’t matter where they went or what they did, as long as they were together, they were happy. They never got to take big vacations, and spent many hours simply visiting Nana in assisted living or the nursing home for the past six years, but it was all good. In his final days, as in life, he only wanted mom to be there so it makes sense that he would leave this earth with her by his side holding hands.
Daddy, we love you more than these words could ever describe and there could never be enough time to share “you” and all the things you mean to us. We are so thankful that you are completely healed and with Jesus but at the same time heartbroken that we have to wait to see you again. We will love you always!
Demarest was the loving husband of fifty-one years to Joy (Doran) Van Blarcom; devoted father of Joy Urdang and her husband Adam of Wayne, Meri Gupko and her husband Bob of Riverdale; cherished grandfather of Hope Urdang and Matthew Gupko; and brother of Al and his wife Jan Van Blarcom of Catskill, New York, and Sandy Cotthaus of Montgomery, New York.
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